Twilight - parody stuff

Stephenie Meyer heeft een nieuw Twilight-boek uitgebracht, waarin alle characters gegenderbend zijn (dus Edward = vrouw, Bella = man, enzovoort). En hun namen zijn belachelijk.
Edward = Edythe
Bella = Beaufort

En ik verveelde me, dus ik ging er een parodie op schrijven. xD

Het is een tijdje geleden sinds ik de boeken heb gelezen though, dus als er iets niet 100 % klopt, sorry. :')

Edythe
Edythe is een kakker, en denkt alleen aan make-up, kleding en jongens. Alleen kan ze geen jongens krijgen (ook al aanbidt elke jongen op school haar), want ze is een vampier en dus te gevaarlijk. Tot ze Beaufort ontmoet.

Beaufort
Beaufort is gay, komt uit Frankrijk en wilt later modeontwerper worden. Ook al is hij nog jong, hij oefent nu al met kleding designen en maken, waardoor alle meisjes hem aanbidden. Alleen tja, hij is gay.

The accident


The woods
Gebaseerd op de scène waarin Edward Bella meeneemt naar het bos om haar te vertellen dat ze niet samen kunnen zijn, en dat hij een vampier is.

Edythe had been admiring Beaufort for a while now, but shewas a vampire so there was no chance that they could be together. Then again, she loved him so much and she daydreamed about him all the time, causing her family to worry, so maybe she should give it a chance. Or at least tell Beaufort about her feelings, even though he didn’t seem very interested. It was his attitude that attracted her so much, and the fashion designs he drew. Every girl in the school admired him for that, and the boys were envious.
So one day, after school, Edythe went to his locker and asked him to follow her to the woods, because this was something she wanted to discuss privately.
“The woods? Why, gurrl?” Beaufort asked surprised, and wary at the same time. It wasn’t like he was stupid, the woods were a lonely place so maybe she wanted to do something to him? Or worse, steal his secret designs he worked on so hard!
“It’s just… I want to tell you something, and it’s important, at least to me,” Edythe answered shyly, while she played with her hair to hide her insecurity. “Pretty pleaseee?”
“Allright then,” Beaufort agreed at last. He put his stuff in his backpack, closed his locker and then followed the girl to the woods.
When they arrived at an open place, Edythe turned around.
“So… The thing I wanted to ask is…” She hesitated, not sure how she should tell Beaufort about her feelings for him. “Well, I really like your designs and the way you behave, so female… even though you’re a male of course… and I really like your personality too…”
Beaufort had a vague feeling where this was going, and he wasn’t happy with it.
“So I wondered… maybe we could be together? I love you, Beaufort! I’m dangerous, but I can’t stay away from you!”
“No.”
“Why not?” Edythe looked hurt. Every boy in the school admired her, wanted to kiss her and be her boyfriend, and now the only boy she wanted said nó? To hér? Tears appeared in her eyes. “Is it because you know my secret? I would never hurt you, Beaufort, never!” He couldn’t know about her being a vampire, right? Only her familiy knew and she always kept it a secret. Besides, she didn’t have any friends at school except her adopted brothers and sisters who always were way too close with each other, so she ended up alone.
“No. It’s because I’m gay.”

Edythe gasped. “But Beaufort, I’m irresistable! Every male on this earth wants me, because of my beauty! I’m sure I can convince you too!”
Quickly, she stepped into the sunlight shining through the trees and turned around to face him. Then she zipped open her fancy expensive jacket, and opened it, so he could see her bare skin - and her bra.
“Whoa, don’t you think that’s a bit too fast, gurl? Besides, you definitely need a new bra, this one is só out of fashion-” Beaufort stopped in the midst of his sentence, shocked by what he saw.
Edythe’s skin sparkled, like someone threw a bucket of glitters over her head and it was amazing. He was speechless and couldn’t look away.
“How is this possible? Is it some kind of trick, a special crème? Tell me where you bought it, I want it.”
“No, Beaufort! It’s because I’m a vampire!” Edythe cried out loud, tears streaming down her face. “I’m a vampire who sparkles in the sunlight! That’s why I didn’t show up at school when there was a sunny day, because everyone would see my secret!”
“Damn girl, why don’t you bite me? I want a sparkling skin too,” Beaufort suggested, still in awe of Edythe’s body.
“No Beaufort, I can’t, it’s too dangerous,” the girl cried, “this was exactly what I feared. I never should have told you! I can’t turn you into a vampire, it wasn’t my choice to become one and I want you to stay human and live happily ever after. Farewell, Beaufort, I will never love someone as much as you.”
And with those words, she left, leaving Beaufort alone in the middle of the woods. Now it was he who cried.
“Edythe!” he shouted. “Edythe, come back! I want to become a vampire, it’s the only way I can get such a fabulous look!” He ran after her, but she disappeared and was nowhere to be found. So he curled himself up, and cried himself to sleep, hoping that he would die because he couldn’t live with the pain of never being so fabulous as Edythe.

Vervolg;
Edythe gasped. “But Beaufort, I’m irresistable! Every male on this earth wants me, because of my beauty! I’m sure I can convince you too!”
Quickly, she stepped into the sunlight shining through the trees and turned around to face him. Then she zipped open her fancy expensive jacket, and opened it, so he could see her bare skin - and her bra.
“Whoa, don’t you think that’s a bit too fast, gurl? Besides, you definitely need a new bra, this one is só out of fashion-” Beaufort stopped in the midst of his sentence, shocked by what he saw.
Edythe’s skin sparkled, like someone threw a bucket of glitters over her head and it was amazing. He was speechless and couldn’t look away.
“How is this possible? Is it some kind of trick, a special crème? Tell me where you bought it, I want it.”
“No, Beaufort! It’s because I’m a vampire!” Edythe cried out loud, tears streaming down her face. “I’m a vampire who sparkles in the sunlight! That’s why I didn’t show up at school when there was a sunny day, because everyone would see my secret!”
“Damn girl, why don’t you bite me? I want a sparkling skin too,” Beaufort suggested, still in awe of Edythe’s body.
“No Beaufort, I can’t, it’s too dangerous,” the girl cried, “this was exactly what I feared. I never should have told you! I can’t turn you into a vampire, it wasn’t my choice to become one and I want you to stay human and live happily ever after. Farewell, Beaufort, I will never love someone as much as you.”
And with those words, she left, leaving Beaufort alone in the middle of the woods. Now it was he who cried.
“Edythe!” he shouted. “Edythe, come back! I want to become a vampire, it’s the only way I can get such a fabulous look!” He ran after her, but she disappeared and was nowhere to be found. So he curled himself up, and cried himself to sleep, hoping that he would die because he couldn’t live with the pain of never being so fabulous as Edythe.

The accident

After a slow breakfast, he had spent the night on drawing some new designs, because his inspirations always came at the late hours, Beaufort drove to school in his old pick up-truck.
It was a gift from his dad, Charlie, after he moved to Forks. Beaufort hated the car though, it didn’t have that designerlook. He would rather have a Ferrari, it fitted more. But unfortunately his dad was just a cop and wouldn’t be able to buy any expensive car, even if he worked thirty years straight.
At least it got him to his destination every day, so that was good. Today was no exception, he arrived safely at the parking lot and was just walking to the main entrance when he heard screaming. Startled he looked over his shoulder, and froze in place, unable to move. A car was heading his way and it was clear the driver lost control, and would hit Beaufort in a few seconds.
Oh no, my designer clothes! They will look terrible after this! This was the only thing that he could think of, his poor clothes.
Suddenly something flashed past him and grabbed his arm. Seconds later he found himself in the arms of Edythe. Somehow she had stopped the car, and there was a huge dent in it in the shape of a hand. Edythe’s hand? But how was that even possible?
“Oh my god, you saved my clothes!” Tears of joy streamed down Beauforts face, while he grabbed the girl to give her a big hug. “I can never thank you enough! Please, if you need a new dress, or a new set of underwear…”
Only then he noticed the people standing around them, looking like ghosts with their white faces. Some of the girls were crying too, probably because he was almost killed, and there were a few boys who looked at Edythe in obvious awe.
“How were you even able to stop that car?” The thought suddenly crossed his mind. “You’re crazy!”
With a sad look on her face Edythe pulled away from him.
“I couldn’t let you díé, I would miss your amazing designs! And… and I can’t bear the thought of you… dead.” A tear appeared in the corner of her eye. “All those amazing clothes, just gone… I would need to go back to mainstream stuff again.” It looked like she wanted to say more, but nothing came after that.
Beaufort didn’t know what to think about this, other than that this situation was weird. Very weird.
“We should take you to a doctor,”Edythe continued with a worried voice, “you’re bleeding from your head!”
Hesitating, he brought his hand to the back of his head and indeed, there was blood on it. “Oh my god, no, my polo will be ruined!” he shouted. “Call an ambulance right away!”
“Oh no, we can’t let that happen!” Edythe cried desperately. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing his shirt go to waste. “Hold on, I’ll carry you!”
“Carry me? But how-”
Beaufort didn’t even have the time to finish his sentence before he was in her arms, and she was running away at top speed to the nearest hospital.

Beaufort must have passed out because he didn’t remember how he got into the hospital, but when he woke up with a terrible headache, he found himself lying in a typical hospital bed. He was a bit disoriented at first because he couldn’t remember how he got here, but then everything came back. Edythe, where was Edythe? He owed her a whole new wardrobe by now!
It looked like the bleeding stopped, because there was nothing on his fingers when he touched his head. And it seemed his polo was still clean too, after a quick check. He couldn’t have been happier. Well, considering the circumstances.
A blonde doctor appeared with a friendly smile on her face, and a clipboard pressed to her chest.
“Hi, Beaufort! I’m doctor Carine, the one who treated your wound there. How are you feeling?” Meanwhile, she was already removing the bandages from his head to check on the wound.
Beaufort recognized her name from somewhere, but he couldn’t recall it right away, even though it was on the tip of his tongue. Wait, wasn’t she Edythe’s mother? He remembered a few people mentioning the famous doctor Carine Cullen, so this must be her. She didn’t have the looks of her daughter though, so he didn’t want to bring up the topic in case he was wrong.
He also remembered a lot of the boys thought she was hot. Yeah, better not to mention thát. Of course, he preferred Earnest better and Beaufort wouldn’t mind hím being his doctor…
The voice of Carine brought him back to the present.
“Well Beaufort, it looks like you’re all clear now!” she smiled happily. “I suggest you go to the waiting room now, there are lot of people who were worried about you!”
Yeah, Beaufort could imagine his dad going crazy about this news and immediately rushing to the hospital, not giving a damn about the speed limit.
All he cared about was Edythe though. He was still confused about how she stopped the car and determined to find out. And he knew exactly how to persuade her.

The moment he walked into the waiting room, he was surprised by the amount of people who came for him. There were a lot of the girls who witnessed the accident, some of the boys and of course there was his dad.
“Oh dear boy, are you allright?!” Charlie almost crushed him with the hug that followed, and Beaufort had to gasp for air for the next minute before he could answer.
“Yes dad, please don’t panic. My clothes are allright so that means I’m allright,” he reassured his dad. Charlie then tried to convince him that he immediately should go home with him, in the police car, to rest. Beaufort was about to reject this… kind offer, but got distracted by Edythe walking by.
“Dad, I really need to talk to that girl, I’ll come back later,” Beaufort said quickly before he went after Edythe.
When he finally reached her and grabbed her arm, he first had to catch his breath before he was able to speak.
“Edythe, please tell me, how did you stop that car?” he asked her, with a pleading look on his face. “I swear, I won’t tell anyone about it if you don’t want me too. And if you do tell me, I may have a reward for you.” His eyes started to twinkle.
“Beaufort, I can’t tell you! Let me go! And shut up with your rewards, nothing can persuade me anyway!” She looked over her shoulder, scared, and Beaufort saw Carine at the end of the hallway, not looking very pleased.
“Not even a whole wardrobe of my best designer clothing, for free? You know, I really, really appreciate the fact that you saved my clothes at the risk of your own life, and saved me too, of course. I want to pay you back and at the same time, I want to know that secret of yours. It was supernatural what you did back there! What’s the problem anyway?”
Edythe’s eyes got bigger when she heard the words clothes. Oh man, she was totally in love with Beauforts clothes. Actually, almost everything in her wardrobe was designed by him. Even her underwear, that came from his lingerie collection.
How could she say no to even more clothes?! She knew her mother didn’t want her to tell Beaufort her secret, that she was a vampire and had an enormous strength, and couldn’t be killed by a stupid car. But if that got her more of his clothes, for free…
No! She couldn’t betray her family and bring them into danger!
“Thanks for the offer, but I’m afraid I have to deny. I’m sure it was just your imagination, I was just close, practically standing next to you,” she replied with a cold voice.
“No, you were standing at the other side of the parking lot!” Beaufort growled angrily. “If you were that close, I would have seen you! Why are you lying to me, Edythe? Don’t you want the clothes? I know that’s all you care about, you saved me because you wanted my designs, not because you wanted mé to stay alive!”
“I’m not lying!” Edythe shouted back. “You’re still in shock, go home and rest some more!”
Frustrated, and torn on the inside, Edythe pushed him and ran away, tears streaming down her face. Beaufort cried too, feeling betrayed because she obviously lied to him and called him crazy while she was the crazy one! And the clothing-tactic didn’t even work, and that was the worst part of it!